Week 2: Reactance

My son turned 18 in 2023 so I can confidently say I’ve almost survived the teen years 🎉

As my son entered adolescence, I braced for impact since the teenage years are rumored to be difficult. In typical “Dawn” fashion, I tried to prepare myself by reading books on parenting teens. Several of the books I read talked about the concept of separation. One aspect of this is the child’s increased need to have more autonomy over their decisions as they approach adulthood. In my personal opinion, during their teen years this is in direct conflict with the rules and guardrails that those of us who are trying to be good parents install 🙂 😩 🤷🏽‍♀️

When I first read about separation, I remember thinking “I’m glad to know this is healthy and I will be prepared for it when it happens.”

I wasn’t.

The degree to which one experiences separation with their teen has a lot to do with that kid’s temperament. I’ve been fortunate to have a very strong willed child (please send help). What that means is that his version of separation can be described as doing the exact opposite of whatever I tell him to do.

Ok, that’s kinda dramatic but only partially so. There were a few years where, in order to stay sane, I played a game with him. It happened by accident when once, out of frustration, I sarcastically threw my hands up and insisted he do the complete opposite of whatever the responsible option would have been. Instead of doing the reckless thing, he did the responsible thing.

From then on, for really important things, I was successful in getting him to do what I wanted by telling him to do the opposite. It was as if his need to do the opposite of what he was being told was so strong that it outweighed pretty much everything else, even when the effect wasn’t beneficial to him and even when he KNEW I was being sarcastic.

And this pretty much sums up the concept of Reactance 😆.

Although some might describe me as an autocratic leader, I don’t think of myself that way. In an ideal world, I’d cast a vision, everyone would be inspired by it and want to help to bring it to life and we’d move out as a team. However, sometimes I think I wish I had the power to just MAKE people do what I want. When I have this thought, I am confident that once the change is implemented, they would retroactively be grateful for having been forced to accept it.

So, this week I read the intro section to the Reactance chapter in The Catalyst. It pretty much confirmed that line of thinking is just flat out wrong.

Specifically, I learned:

• “People have a need for freedom and autonomy….telling people not to do something has the opposite effect: it makes them more likely to do it.”
• “Choice is so important that people prefer it even when it makes them worse off. Even when having choice makes them less happy.”
• “When people’s ability to make their own choices is taken away or even threatened, they react against the potential loss of control.”

Turns out, my son’s teenage years were not only an attack on my sanity but served as a primer in making me a better leader. I don’t know if I would embrace this concept so readily if I hadn’t experienced it with him.

After reading this week, I’m left with the sinking feeling that I will need to make significant changes within myself. That is, to truly develop the skills I need to make real change.

(this feels very philosophical…)

At the same time, I can easily appreciate the additional perspective.

We haven’t delved into CliftonStrengths yet but it has helped me to be aware that I tend to naturally focus on the future. Therefore, in leading a change effort I can admit that I get caught up in what could be. I’m excited about this new organizational state and the many benefits the change will bring about. I can’t say I’ve ever considered that others might not be able to see it so clearly.

In 2021, Forbes declared that empathy is the most important leadership skill. There are many reasons that empathy is important in leaders but one of the biggest is that one can be a more effective leader when they can put themselves in someone else’s shoes. I know this! I pride myself on being empathetic and have been extremely critical of other leaders when they seem to lack this quality.

I’m definitely being humbled…

In reflecting on the challenge of getting a previous employer to change their approach to retaining and attracting talent, I felt a measure of push back from the talent acquisition team as well as the program managers. Looking at things from their point of view and trying to empathize with a perceived loss of autonomy, I can consider:

👉🏽 the Talent Acquisition team may have felt like I was encroaching on their domain and they were losing their ability to solve the problem using the data they collect and their interactions with the candidate pool.

👉🏽 the Program Managers may have felt they would lose their autonomy in meeting their financial targets for each of the programs. Turning inward may have been congruent with their retention goals but wouldn’t have a near-term impact on growing their programs.

I readily admit that I have learned we can’t really understand others’ motives fully without talking to them. However, if I had considered these perspectives in the moment, it would have encouraged me to talk to each group and better understand how my recommendation impacted them. That would certainly have led to a better alignment overall.

As you’re reading, if you have an idea of other groups who may have experienced a perceived loss of autonomy based on my recommendation, drop a comment. I’d love to read it.

So, even if I ditched this plan altogether alongside so many others who are ditching their new years’ resolutions, I feel like I am better equipped to effect change. Simply thinking about how my recommendations could cause others to perceive that their autonomy had been threatened would allow me to ask better questions and craft more effective messaging. I could add to my planning process a framework by which I could:

1. Categorize the different groups which would be affected by the change
2. Brainstorm what they may perceive as a loss of autonomy or freedom
3. Craft specific messaging intended to lower that perception and involve them in the process of change

That would be something I haven’t specifically tried before and it could work.

However, I’m no quitter and fortunately, the author lays out the following four key ways to reduce reactance that I am anxious to explore:

• Provide a menu
• Ask, don’t tell
• Highlight a gap
• Start with understanding

Change is hard and it’s starting to become clear why that is. I’m even more excited about this plan and how it will help me (and others). Thanks for sticking with me - see you next week!